Looking back, I've wasted so much of this fleeting time. Not only have I wasted time in the predictable ways by simply not using it wisely, but I've wasted so much time succumbing to perfectionism. I've spent too many hours internally beating myself up because X, Y, and/or Z didn't happen as planned instead of enjoying what actually occurred. I print out neat assignment sheets for the boys, but I call myself a failure when all the boxes don't get checked off, even if there is a perfectly good reason for it. Like the fact we spent extra time on mastering long division, so we didn't get to writing. Or if we spent extra time drinking hot chocolate and reading aloud, so we didn't get science done for the day.
This isn't okay.
This robs me of the joy that God intended.
I'm not perfect. If I was, I wouldn't need Jesus. Why am I so quick to forget this? Why do I set unattainable goals and beat myself up when I'm not perfect? Oh, yeah...because I'm a sinner.
So this year, looking forward, I'm going to focus on finding joy in the moment. Not the moments I'd perfectly planned in my head, but the moments that occur when my ideas intersect with those of 5 (6, counting Craig) other living, breathing, wonderful human beings who are created in the image of their Creator. God gave the boys to Craig and myself and created this family, knowing the flaws and strengths of each person. Reducing life to a series of boxes to be checked off is joy-robbing and it's not God-glorifying.
Does this mean I'll never turn a critical eye to our homeschool? No. Evaluating where we are and what we're doing is very important. You can't achieve goals if you don't evaluate your course. But day to day, I'm going to focus on what we do accomplish, and I'm not going to evaluate our days by the standard of perfection. I'm going to fail, I'm going to be less than perfect, and I am going to trust that Jesus is there, standing in the gap for me.